What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

But it wasn’t much.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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But im dying ,and its too late for me.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I said to her

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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

He resisted the act ,that day.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Do married men know when their wives are having affairs?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

What is the sum of X+XX+XXX+XXXX?

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

My life is so biszare .

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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Why do old men think young women and girls would want them over guys their own age?

As i do to all so called friends.?

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im still living with it.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Have you ever regretted not hitting on a older women?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I write beautiful poetry .

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

My family never makes their pension either.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

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Who then, do I blame.?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Put me off passion for life!!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And i lived it daily.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I could never make a relationship work though!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I don,t even have a pension.

We all went to grammer schools

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Comes on , in middle age.

She found it foreign!.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Was to survive, this bastard.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

They are buried together, in the same grave..

One cannot live in the past .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

What did i know ?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I was 9 years of age.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

But, we were locked up after school.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

We were not on the streets..

I was scared of men, in general

It was going to be , some day.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Ive learnt so much.

So whats the point in blame.

Would this be the day?

Especially a lifetime of it.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I was very sick at this time too.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I think the readers, may guess!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

This is soul school!.

All the time i was locked up.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was seconnd youngest,

She wouldn,t have been !

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He knew the spot.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But ive been too sick for many years..

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

She was in good health!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I never cut or harmed myself..

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Why did i forgive my father ?

I couldn’t, believe it.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

When she asked me how she looked .

I have no regrets .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She married twice! .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She loved him until the end.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I will be 64.

So, i spoilt her more .

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I waited trembling.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!